Almost Androgynous

When I was younger, a sophomore in college maybe? I was allowed to get a suit for Christmas. A pants suit. It had no collar for a tie and the jacket had no buttons, so I couldn't close it as I would like. But it wasn't some Barbie pink monstrosity that accentuated my womanly form either. It was almost androgynous. Almost. Maybe that's why I was allowed to wear it for New Year's. Because it was only almost androgynous. My hair was still in maidenly and thick locks (they had not known a real haircut since freshman year of high school). There was a sense of denial. "No, no, I don't want this for gender reasons."

I was just able to be fashionable. Pretend that the tiny sliver of masculinity it gave me was incidental and not a delight at all. I could be "muy moderna." Not "una tortillera" or "una maricona."

But that is what I am. Soy muy moderna. Soy bisexual. Una tortillera. And that suit, with its slight shoulder padding, with the sensible pants, with the dark red shirt. I could be almost androgynous. Only almost. But almost is close enough. Almost gets me to look just a little gayer. Just a little closer to butch. Just a little closer to masculine.

And now I use that almost androgynous jacket to trace a pattern. My hair is so short I can describe it with a number (3 I think)? But back to the pattern. I am tracing this pattern to make a jacket. By giving it massive seam allowances, I can make it look less snug on my body. Using a black and white striped fabric, I can model it after a male character who I envy for his gender presentation. His disheveled, handsome, classy, classless, presentation. I tell others that it's a Halloween costume. But it's more than that. It's exaggerated. It's joyful. It's campy.

It's delightful, sinful, drag. Something I never once thought I would be able to do. But something I've absolutely thought about before. Masculinity as performance. As a reflection of you. A reflection of how I wish to know myself. My hair, ironically, is too short to be right. I want it to be big and fluffy, but still masculine. Alas, I don't want to constantly wear product either. Gravity defying anime hair will simply need to be a bedhead phenomenon.

But that is besides the point, The point is the suit. This brand-new suit. With too big sleeves. Who's seam allowances were a bit too massive. Making me even smaller. That I need to take it in a little bit. Wasting more and more string until the suit devours me. Until I look like I could fit in on Broadway with the makeup to match.

__________________________________________________________________________

First